Very Hot Line
Hi, is that the exorcist? Please help me, put me through.
I’ve found some inner demons and my soul is not at rest.
Please scourge my darker urges, and don’t make my dreams come true:
God help me, I’m a sinner, and infested and possessed.
I know that I could cleanse my soul by selfless regulation,
By sticking to the straight and narrow, far from beaten trackers:
Please send your man in black around with righteous indignation –
Please ask him to untempt me, and to free me from these hackers.
A sprinkle of some incense and a chant of Latin jargon –
Anything to save me from that hell where heat is hotter,
And help me to produce some honest news into the bargain
(And make me give up yoga, and stop reading Harry Potter).
I may have hacked a dead girl’s phone to help me shift my papers,
I may have read the emails of a Z-celeb’s half-sibling,
But I’ll be good, please help me to avoid these sordid capers.
Oh God! Please hurry! I can feel that Satan’s teeth are nibbling!
Operator, put me through, and cure me of this canker,
Let loose the black-clad buster with his holy water hoses,
Or if he has enough of it, please make him bring a tanker –
And quick, before they listen to what Leveson proposes.