News of the Screwed
It isn’t because it is pleasant
Or the best way we know to lose fat
And it may make the skin incandescent
But sex isn’t meant to do that –
We couple together, like pairs of maracas,
To ward off the waves of bacterial attackers.
One of these bugs in the body
And your system may pack up its tents.
You can’t trust to luck or hot toddies
Since the threat to survival’s immense:
Better to mate in a connubial bliss
Than to risk a destructive bacterial kiss.
The News of the World? An example
Of a creature that gave up on sex:
It thought that the practice was harmful,
And wanted some better effects.
How best to be really, sincerely superior?
Answer: stop shagging; turn into bacteria.
Instead of exposing us, naked,
They gave us the parasite worm,
The fluke that was frantic to fake it,
The hack who would squiggle and squirm,
And who ate itself up, in a fit of delight,
And did not share its bed on a Saturday night.